25th October 2004
Hi all,
Just a few random thoughts to leave you with this week...
This week's surprise find in the kitchen cupboard - Sun Dried Tomato Pesto (what the heck do you use that for anyway?).
I enjoy my tea at work, but I honestly believe that one of my colleagues doesn't know what the word "milky" means. I'm almost at the point of booking a night in a hotel, just to get lots of those sachets of milk to bring into work with me.
If LL Cool J held a series of concerts in Llanelli and Llandudno, how would it be announced on local radio? (And people up here laugh when Americans talk about "Kirk-cal-dee". I'd love to see an American asking for directions in Wales, that really would be funny.)
You know that guy who does the voiceovers for programmes about disasters on the Discovery Channel? Do you think his family do everything they can to avoid him being involved in family videos? "It appeared to be a regular birthday party, but little did my nephew know what would happen when he attempted to blow out the candles..."
Nothing horrifies myself and my friends more than the thought of Patrick Lay winning another auction on Ebay. By the way if you only meet Pat once make sure you hear his impression of Dev from Coronation Street. Everything about it is eerily accurate.
If you believe everything you hear, according to Palace fans Ron Noades mother is a woman of ill repute. I am not quite sure what you do with that piece of information, but there you go.
I don't know if it is just me, but whenever I see a group of new starts walking into an induction meeting at work I want to start bashing my desk and chanting "Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish!"
Obviously I can't mention names, but when I refer to an article in "Gay Man and Reality TV Weekly" the Mrs knows exactly what I'm talking about.
If a band called Keane is capable of sounding that good, frankly I'm worried what a band called C**tona could sound like.
If Vernon Kay's a model, so am I.
Obviously I didn't get a paper that day, but when did we decide to miss out Autumn on the list of seasons?
On the grand list of "things which are really irritating", getting a raisin stuck in between your molars and a wisdom tooth ranks higher than you might expect.
The facia on my Nokia 8300 is getting more and more cracked. It truly is a depressing situation. Don't make me upgrade, I love this phone!
Remember, any sentence can be made to be more amusing if you replace a key word with the phrase "blank or blanks".
Speaking personally, I'd sooner dangle over Beachy Head by a thread for an hour than work in a department which handles customer complaints.
If I were to appear on "The Bank of Mum & Dad" it would be a big disappointment when my Dad would write down what he guessed my personal debt to be, and then not have it reach six figures. With Dad and I it would be far more interesting the other way around.
My last two hairdressers have both fallen pregnant in quick succession. I feel I should be repeating Liam Gallagher's line from "She's Electric":
"She's got one in the oven,
But it's nothing to do with me."
If you don't think I wouldn't use the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode where Larry's mother dies as an idea for what to do when my Dad gives the bucket a final clang you're kidding yourself.
The only downside to owning a dog is the occasion scratchmarks that appear on your limbs. I'm just glad I don't see my Mum's over-protective friend anymore. It was bad enough being continually asked if I was being bullied when I was 14, I couldn't handle that at 29.
Just for old time's sake: "Well I'm a cold heartbreaker, fit to burn and I'll rip your heart in two...". (By the way, VH1's "Behind the Music" on Guns 'n' Roses is fascinating. Highly recommended.)
In the past month I think Boyzone's debut TV performance on the Gay Byrne show has been shown about 4,000+ times. Not that this is a bad thing, of course. Personally I'd love to have that clip on DVD. By the way I once got a letter from my mate Chris in which he wrote, "He has to change his name. He can't go through life with that name." about a member of a family I was staying with. Chris briefly lived in Ireland, I wonder if he felt the same about Gay Byrne?
Top three things on the TV that Lorraine doesn't understand me finding amusing. 1) The aforementioned Boyzone clip. 2) Repeats of the Take That video, "Do What You Like". 3) The QED documentary, "John's Not Mad".
Contrary to popular opinion, there are three certainties in life: Death, taxes and my sister-in-law never having any money on her mobile phone when she calls Lorraine.
In the time it has taken me to write this thought my Aunt Bridget's kids and their offspring have probably smoked enough cigarettes to ensure BAT announce a profit this year.
It's always fun to be out on your lunch hour and find that the guy next to you at a pedestrian crossing looks like Joss Ackland from the Pet Shop Boys video for "Always On My Mind".
Recently found amid my employer's cost-cutting measures - a rejected purchase order for an abacus.
The decision to "get an early train, get a seat and arrive fifty minutes early for work" or "get a later train, stand all the way in and arrive five minutes early" is one of the most perplexing condundrums I've ever had to consider. Incidentally there is a further option - "get an even later train, get a seat, stretch out(!) and arrive ten minutes late". Lucky for my employers that my mother raised me to have a conscience.
By the way the paragraph above was all an excuse to use the word "condundrum". You don't really see that word unless you are addicted to "Countdown".
Lessons in avoiding temptation, no. 273: When one of the operators of the building you work in gets in a lift with you, and you have to bite your tongue to stop yourself saying, "These lifts are so slow, you know someone is going to die in one of these one day, don't you?" TemmmmmmmmpTATION!
Hey, Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy is expecting his first child! Congratulations to him and his wife, Sarah. Now the question everyone wants to ask - does she use her maiden name, or is she happy to be mistaken for the snotty Radio 2 presenter?
Three whoppers you hear frequently: 1) "The cheque's in the post." 2) "It was like that when I got here." 3) "Can you phone me back? I haven't got any money on my mobile."
I had to take the car back to the garage again recently. Apparently there is a problem with the blank or blanks.
Much repeated conversation between Lorraine and I every time Delta Goodrem's "Out of the Blue" video is shown on a music channel.
"I don't like her hair that short."
"The girl had cancer - it's still growing back! Give her a chance for crying out loud."
No prizes for guessing who says what in that conversation. (Good to see Delta looking so well, by the way.)
Are Lorraine and I the only people in the UK who have a George Foreman grill and actually use it?
Why is it when they discuss careers at school no-one ever wants to be a Police officer who has been suspended on full pay?
I don't know why it took me so long, but I've finally seen the Pointer Sisters' video for "Jump". Jump for the Pointer Sisters? Jump for their love? Base jumping maybe, anything else no way.
When I went to pick Lorraine up from work recently a lady came up beside the car and asked, "Are you a taxi?" Do I look like a taxi? Do I even look like a taxi driver? Do I have a taxi plate on the car? The answer to all of those questions is no. And if you're wondering, I like to be known as Lorraine's chauffeur.
Well done to all the people who have pointed out that new Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho sounds like Borat. Now I keep waiting for him to say "Issssssss nice," in a post-match interview. I fear I could be waiting a while.
Have a good week!
Tony
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